Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
