I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
