seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
