Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
