someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
