did you get engaged???
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
