last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
