omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
