the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
