Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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