stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
