Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
