I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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