I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
