we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
