He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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