I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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