I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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