she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
