Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
