Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
