I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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