I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
