So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
