She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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