Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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