my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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