and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
