so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
