I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
