Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
