last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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