I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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