Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
