if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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