No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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