glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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