i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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