Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
