Yo dont text me then not text me
I cannot find my penis.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
