I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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