Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
