This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
