my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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