The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
