I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
