im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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