omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize