This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
