Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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