who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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