well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
