I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
no you cant smoke seaweed
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
