I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
