Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
