Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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