seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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