i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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